Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
