I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
