I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
