get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
