He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
