Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I cannot find my penis.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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