Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize