So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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