Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
