I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
