Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
