tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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