I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
