I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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