Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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