I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Congratulations! We have a period
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