if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
