you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
