In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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