I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
A+ Viking dick
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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