Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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