the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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