If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
