Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
