she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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