WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You left your phone here
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