I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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