i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
