the day after is always just damage control
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
