I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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