its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
