You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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