My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Swine flu is the new snow day.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
