So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i will never coherently bang her
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
