i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
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I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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