He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
