it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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