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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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