Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
