I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
