you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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