you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
