I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
