Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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