my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
