i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
