You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
