I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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