I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
