we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
