Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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