God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
