I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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