you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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