well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
