The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
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Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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