if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
