I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
