and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't turn off my feet"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
